You have gone to a familiar but faraway place, taking an enormous but invisible part of me along.
That part of me evaporated after you got on the plane. I knew I had to bring myself back to life again, no matter how difficult it is, what form I would have to take and how long the journey could be.
The journey is not yet finished, but the closure came near, sooner than I had expected.
Your name now sounds distantly euphonious to me, though still vaguely familiar. I have absolutely no intention to forget the chronicle of our battles and conciliations, because you were wonderful and you saw me when I refused to see myself. And, damn, those were great adventures.
The closure is still coming, whether I like it or not.
In a dream last night, I saw you and your partner, a friend I have known for years, in your lovely house. I was visiting you, the most wonderfully intelligent couple I have ever known. You looked happy; I was happy.
In morning light, I woke up, not able to believe how detached I felt, or how truly happy I was for you. I sincerely hope that is what your life is like right now.
It let go of me. Or, I let go of you.
I'd be the biggest liar if I said I don't miss you anymore. But I finally come to accept that you are that something I just cannot have. After years of injuring each other, we could still be great friends but there is no way for me - the little me here and now - not to ask of you more than just that.
I didn't want you to be my great love or my family. I wanted you to be my life.
That was foolish, because you have your own life. My life is in my hands; I can't ask you to hold it for me.
Maybe I will see you again. Hopefully then, I would be my own person. Complete, solid and alive.
The real power I could give myself is not the power to dream, or to deal with the reality. It's the power to hold the halter of my own fantasizing when it gets too wild.
Knowing me so well, don't you agree?
April 2005 Archives
You have gone to a familiar but faraway place, taking an enormous but invisible part of me along.
That part of me evaporated after you got on the plane. I knew I had to bring myself back to life again, no matter how difficult it is, what form I would have to take and how long the journey could be.
The journey is not yet finished, but the closure came near, sooner than I had expected.
Your name now sounds distantly euphonious to me, though still vaguely familiar. I have absolutely no intention to forget the chronicle of our battles and conciliations, because you were wonderful and you saw me when I refused to see myself. And, damn, those were great adventures.
The closure is still coming, whether I like it or not.
In a dream last night, I saw you and your partner, a friend I have known for years, in your lovely house. I was visiting you, the most wonderfully intelligent couple I have ever known. You looked happy; I was happy.
In morning light, I woke up, not able to believe how detached I felt, or how truly happy I was for you. I sincerely hope that is what your life is like right now.
It let go of me. Or, I let go of you.
I'd be the biggest liar if I said I don't miss you anymore. But I finally come to accept that you are that something I just cannot have. After years of injuring each other, we could still be great friends but there is no way for me - the little me here and now - not to ask of you more than just that.
I didn't want you to be my great love or my family. I wanted you to be my life.
That was foolish, because you have your own life. My life is in my hands; I can't ask you to hold it for me.
Maybe I will see you again. Hopefully then, I would be my own person. Complete, solid and alive.
The real power I could give myself is not the power to dream, or to deal with the reality. It's the power to hold the halter of my own fantasizing when it gets too wild.
Knowing me so well, don't you agree?
4月16日 星期六 天氣晴
1. 就跟你說我是個膚淺的女生。新髮型經過染髮小天才(即在下我)的整理後，週一出門竟然大受好評：樓上的搬家工拋媚眼、公司的保全伯伯約我去復興北路吃西餐、超商裡看起來還沒二十歲的小帥哥對我微笑、部門裡粉擦最厚的女生，亦為公司四大美女之一，把我拖到洗手間去問我「怎麼弄的」。經過這樣的百般「確認」我就放心了。
不過很抱歉，現在還是沒有照片，因為工作太忙，不敢在辦公室公然拿手機對自己拍。哈哈！
2. 快要沒有社交生活了。怎麼辦？
3. 最近強烈感受到老闆承受的壓力。那些平常只會在某部不完全關於龍捲風的連續劇聽到的字眼，最近充滿了我的工作生活，例如「總裁」、「投資」......
(你也知道平常我的字彙、語句大概侷限於「大頭啦」、「CD還我」之類的。)
難道我也要準備陪他去收購德國的Slim Body公司了嗎？唉唉！
4. 經過一天忙碌，不由得總是要想，我到底要把自己放在哪裡？我現在在哪裡？只是，似乎已經不像以前那樣清楚。或者，以往我只是「以為」自己知道。迷惘。最慘的是，我居然都25歲了還這樣迷惘。
Need to draw my own roadmap.
問題：
1. Why is it that I like to sing to myself, even when I am on MRT with a hundred other people? (To put the question further, do I tend to embarrass myself?)
2. I am pretty sure I am not thinking about marriage right now. (And I'm well aware that this is not a question.)
3. Will the Elephants win the fifth game in a row? (I'm keeping my fingers crossed.)
4月9日 天氣晴(好吧，其實是熱到爆)
1. 去找我的老朋友髮型師弄了新髮型。初看很不習慣，尤其是他又說想把我弄成「李志玲」(如果你是兄弟象球迷，這名字只會讓你想到一個人...)，天哪。
2. 我有時真的不知道自己在做什麼。想什麼也不太清楚。會不會就這樣渾渾噩噩過下去？
3. 所以我還是弄擰了。What's so funny 'bout peace, love and understanding?
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