Closure

You have gone to a familiar but faraway place, taking an enormous but invisible part of me along. That part of me evaporated after you got on the plane. I knew I had to bring myself back to life again, no matter how difficult it is, what form I would have to take and how long the journey could be. The journey is not yet finished, but the closure came near, sooner than I had expected. Your name now sounds distantly euphonious to me, though still vaguely familiar. I have absolutely no intention to forget the chronicle of our battles and conciliations, because you were wonderful and you saw me when I refused to see myself. And, damn, those were great adventures. The closure is still coming, whether I like it or not. In a dream last night, I saw you and your partner, a friend I have known for years, in your lovely house. I was visiting you, the most wonderfully intelligent couple I have ever known. You looked happy; I was happy. In morning light, I woke up, not able to believe how detached I felt, or how truly happy I was for you. I sincerely hope that is what your life is like right now. It let go of me. Or, I let go of you. I'd be the biggest liar if I said I don't miss you anymore. But I finally come to accept that you are that something I just cannot have. After years of injuring each other, we could still be great friends but there is no way for me - the little me here and now - not to ask of you more than just that. I didn't want you to be my great love or my family. I wanted you to be my life. That was foolish, because you have your own life. My life is in my hands; I can't ask you to hold it for me. Maybe I will see you again. Hopefully then, I would be my own person. Complete, solid and alive. The real power I could give myself is not the power to dream, or to deal with the reality. It's the power to hold the halter of my own fantasizing when it gets too wild. Knowing me so well, don't you agree?