Recently in The Blue Room Category

騎著老馬在陌生的小鎮遊蕩。看見巨大的白色雲朵飄過旅店上方有點偏紫色的天空，想起夜半公園路燈下，你的臉龐。 為什麼會想起，我也不知道。 擁抱之後視線模糊。 你蜷曲著躺在我剛鋪好的潔白床單上，不知做了什麼夢，額頭上涔涔冒出汗珠，臉色微微泛紅。爐上煮著味噌湯，我溫柔看著像小嬰兒般的你，感覺太多嚮往一股湧上。太美麗的人事物總是不該盯著看太久，心裡會漾起不真實卻太靠近的憧憬。足以致命。 吉他倒在牆角，斷了一根弦。巷底有老人輕輕唱著古早的歌謠，但我們都沒聽過。晚風很輕。 看你看得太久，會出事。我還是從廚房走出來，傾身吻了你的額頭、汗珠和髮梢。你抽搐一下之後醒來，注視我許久，然後再次把我摟緊，轉了半圈讓我也躺下。我把窗推開一點，風在你臉上胡亂與你交換著鼻息。 不知道你的姓名但是我見過你。你卻知道我的名字，在我們臉頰最靠近的那一瞬間，輕輕地喊進我耳裡。

好久沒聽這首歌了，但近日在同事的server資料夾裏又發現了這首歌。我想起許久未見、同是groupie (or band-aid?)的美麗網友亞迪，因為這是她和我都很愛的Suede。Brett Anderson如此詭異如此俊俏如此才華洋溢令人無法逼視如此不可抗拒。 雖然這是Suede(至少目前為止)散場前最後一張專輯，但卻好像要開展新頁似地，清新自在健康正面。有趣的結尾。這樣莫名奇妙地說再見也好，總比Pavement那樣讓我愕然來得好點。 這就是，迷戀。 我的搖滾歲月，還兀自持續著。真萬萬沒有想到。 曾經為了某個人，許久許久沒有再聽我深愛的Bob Dylan，不是因為他不喜歡，而是他感受不到。而我，一心怕他發覺我的世界太大而驚惶閃躲，就安穩了下來，不再聽遙遠彼方的音樂，不讓他發覺我其實在心底，生活在他方。 說來也好玩，在他不知道的地方，我暗暗地以這方式給他安全感。 (不想追究這方式是什麼，因為都過啦。) 現在回頭看看，很驚喜地發現，我的公路因子，仍然存在。也許，這吉普賽人的脫氧核糖核酸螺旋，是永存我體內不會消失的。它也許會在某些時期呈現隱性狀態，但卻溫柔固執地，繼續存活呼吸著。在時機允許的時候，又回到舵後方。

Baby sister, you're gonna be just fine. I took Francoise in last night. She looked like a wreck when I picked her up at the MRT station near my apartment; I had to receive her by no other way than a hug. No more words needed to be said about the guy and the wound. We had a plan of drinking at a swanky bar, but when we arrived without reservation, the place was packed and the waitress was dumb, so we left for my place, with a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice in hand. Girl's night home and on the town turned out to be quiet and intimate, with the sound of Sondre Lerche around us. Baby sister, I know it's really hard to leave it all behind. I am still trying and learning too. That, was someone you loved so dearly (and quite possibly, still do) after all. But you cannot go back crawling. What he did was wrong and you should never be treated that way. You want to call him, just to feel him on the line; I did too. I still do, once in a while. His voice was so gentle on the other side of the line and the false sweetness gave me hope. But that was only false hope too. You want to beg. You begged for him to just stay a little while longer and he did, only to your great dismay, just for that moment. I would never stop you begging him, because you would see how humiliating that could be and how regretful you would be after you're done. I went thru that more than enough times to tell you this. Your boy, like my boy, did not know what he was made of and what he was for. They were lost, but you need to realize we're not their goddesses. They have their own problems and we can't be their savior. They need to work those things out on their own. It's not that we're supposed to be cold; these issues are things we cannot help the guys with, if they choose not to deal with them head-on. I learned a precious lesson that, in relationships, no one should be "rescuing" the other half. You can work out problems together as a force, but you are never able to single-handedly "save" this person you're looking at with all your love. You feel lost too, like all you had was ripped away from you. Don't you want to heal yourself first, before you go look after anyone else? (I'm trying hard to do that, too, as you could see.) Of course you can cry, you can shout, you can do whatever, if not hurting yourself. You're entitled to feeling low; you need the time to mourn and to figure out what you are again. It's all good. I still don't know what love is. I can make out signs and symptoms, but never the definition. At this point, maybe the definition is not important anymore. You just need to live it. He should never have done that to harm you, even though he regretted it enormously. You're just apart from him, but not apart from love. You're still adorable. We still love you as we always have. What you are and what you worth is not in his hand. Yourself is what you need the most. Chin up and never forget your own shape. It's all over now, baby blue.

You came up and said sorry to me, all sweaty in your butter-ish gray jacket. I was sitting at home, sobbing. I forgave you immediately. If I could, or, if we could, I'd sing you some songs, caressing your naked shoulders, closed eyelids and reddish earlobes. I could sing you those French pop songs that I tried to remember every word without knowing what they mean. I could be Vanessa Paradis for you. Or Keren Ann if you like. "Do you want to skate with me in the snow?" I asked. I heard "Be My Baby" in my head. You opened one eye and smiled at me, "No." "Sing me that song again; maybe I'll consider it." You held me closer and the snowflakes kept on falling outside the window. "On s'attache, et on se lasse," that's a whisper. With a peck on my forehead and another on my cheek, you sat up and said, "Say that again." I shook my head and jokingly raised one eyebrow, as if I were a prude and you just told a dirty joke. "Say that again." You looked in my eyes with resoluteness. I shook my head again, grinning. "Say that again," you breathed the words into my left ear, "say it." I laughed, because you tickled me. I laughed and laughed and we kissed. So I sang you the song, trying to be your private Keren Ann. Dimanche en Hiver Une saison blanche et austère Le jour a pris des somnifères Je dors, debout On l'attend depuis des mois Mais le printemps, ne viendra pas Peut-être, en Août Mais c'est l'éther Que je préfère A nos hivers... On s'attache, et on se lasse Jusqu'au jour où nos nuits blanches Ressemblent à un dimanche On se cache, on s'embarrasse Et je mets ma robe blanche Le temps d'un dimanche en hiver Passent les jours et mon heure Passent les oiseaux migrateurs Je perds le nord Le printemps ne viendra plus J'ai l'impression qu'il s'est perdu Peut-être il dort Je manque d'air Nos soir d'hiver Sont délétères On s'attache et on se lasse Jusqu'au jour où nos nuits blanches Ressemblent à un dimanche On se cache, on s'embarrasse Je mets ma robe blanche Le temps d'un dimanche en hiver

self 作詞：陳綺貞　作曲：陳綺貞 　幾次悔過掩埋狂妄的惡魔 　感覺卻好像毀棄善良的自我 　幾次脆弱掩飾不甘的示弱 　這就是我 　再說我也不特別渴求永久 　其實我也無法忠於單一感受 　靜止了沉溺了　無聲的滅絕暈眩 ◎是我拒絕你已清醒的雙眼 　是我召喚你眼底的錯覺 　就讓我用力砸毀輕聲的諾言 　擁抱瞬間 　是我用真實的編造了謊言 　也是我用殘破的猜測這世界 　就讓我回應你已失序的狂野 　虛偽瞬間 　是我 　幾次悔過掩埋狂妄的惡魔 　這感覺卻好像毀棄了善良的自我 　靜止了沉溺了　無聲的滅絕退怯 Repeat ◎ 　是我用真實的編造了謊言 　就算我用殘破的猜測這世界 　再一次回應你已失序的狂野 　我們表演 　是我用真實的編造了謊言 　就算我用殘破的證實這世界 　再一次讓我嚐盡犯錯的甜美 　甜美瞬間 　是你帶我經過純潔的瞬間 　無悔無邪

一個美好的夜晚，為何就這樣毀了？ 可以怎麼挽回呢？ 一隻耳朵，可以填滿幾句的我愛你？ 即使我們不是真心，只是一時脫口而出？ 怎麼會錯過你，也錯過他？又為何在多年以後讓我知道我們傻得如此離譜？ 我多麼想，只記住美好。 吻著你的同時，我聽到這首歌。儘管只有我聽見。

You have gone to a familiar but faraway place, taking an enormous but invisible part of me along. That part of me evaporated after you got on the plane. I knew I had to bring myself back to life again, no matter how difficult it is, what form I would have to take and how long the journey could be. The journey is not yet finished, but the closure came near, sooner than I had expected. Your name now sounds distantly euphonious to me, though still vaguely familiar. I have absolutely no intention to forget the chronicle of our battles and conciliations, because you were wonderful and you saw me when I refused to see myself. And, damn, those were great adventures. The closure is still coming, whether I like it or not. In a dream last night, I saw you and your partner, a friend I have known for years, in your lovely house. I was visiting you, the most wonderfully intelligent couple I have ever known. You looked happy; I was happy. In morning light, I woke up, not able to believe how detached I felt, or how truly happy I was for you. I sincerely hope that is what your life is like right now. It let go of me. Or, I let go of you. I'd be the biggest liar if I said I don't miss you anymore. But I finally come to accept that you are that something I just cannot have. After years of injuring each other, we could still be great friends but there is no way for me - the little me here and now - not to ask of you more than just that. I didn't want you to be my great love or my family. I wanted you to be my life. That was foolish, because you have your own life. My life is in my hands; I can't ask you to hold it for me. Maybe I will see you again. Hopefully then, I would be my own person. Complete, solid and alive. The real power I could give myself is not the power to dream, or to deal with the reality. It's the power to hold the halter of my own fantasizing when it gets too wild. Knowing me so well, don't you agree?